The day my son died, my life changed…..forever.
I believe that is what God intended, otherwise, he wouldn’t have blessed my life with this precious child at all. It’s not always easy to see a loss as a blessing, especially when it’s a child. In the case of Anthony, the blessing was seen....by myself and many others.
The feelings involved in the loss of a child are just too complicated and deep to explain to the average person, suffice it to say, I firmly agree with the statement that children are not suppose to die before their parents.
But sometimes, they do.
I often speak about my son Anthony and the impact he made on my life, while I tend to refrain from providing detail about the day he died and how it happened. I guess that in some ways, I want to keep the detail of that day private as to ensure my children and family don’t experience any undue hurt over something they cannot change.
On the other hand, silence allows me the opportunity to allow his memory to exist in a way that is more precious to others who hear about him, as well as for those who speak about him. Selfishly, the privacy has allowed me to be alone in my grief at some level, some things are just better left between a mother and her son.
16 years ago today, my son Anthony died. He was 9 ½ years old and was classified as existing in a “vegetative state.” He had 14 noted diseases, he could never see, hear, walk or talk. With no hopes of recovery, the decision was made to approach the courts in an attempt to allow Anthony the right to die by removing the medical means of support form his body. This included a feeding tube.
2 ½ years of unsuccessful results from the court system were trumped by God’s decision to bring Anthony home to Him at a time that He had already planned. Another time when God proved He is in total control……
The 3 day process to death for Anthony was undignified and painful to watch, there was peace in knowing that he was unaware of what his body would have to go through to reach its end point.
Just as I held my son when he entered into this world, my arms would surround him when he left. He died peacefully, a single tear releasing from his eye as he took his last breathe, as if to let me know, “I’ll be alright now Mom.”
Just like that, Anthony was gone, and my life changed forever. Anthony is promised a place in heaven and things brings me great comfort, knowing one day he and I will be reunited. I often wonder what that day will be like, will God allow us to look at each other for the very first time, talk to each other for the very first time, and hug each other for the very first time? Will he allow me the opportunity to tell my son that I love him, and allow my words to be heard for the very first time?
God is a God of grace, no matter what our reunion looks like, more important is the belief that we will see each other once again and journey through eternity together. This is my ultimate comfort.
It’s ok to miss those who have gone on before us; it’s ok to remember the special times we shared together. Over the years, my grief has turned to remembering the time I had with Anthony. The experiences we journeyed through were difficult and often painful, but they are now my memories and I cherish each and every one of them.
For those who are reading this, remember that today may be the only opportunity you have to hug your children and remind them of how precious and wonderful they are to you. You may have a mountain separating you from your child or another loved one. Today may be the day you decide to walk around that mountain and make amends. Life is precious, but we live in a world that God controls, don't put off till tomorrow what you know should be resolved today.
In loving memory of my son Anthony (“Ampy”) for being a blessing in my life, and one of the main reasons my life was changed forever. You will always be remembered. One day, we will meet again....
Mom
If you'd like to share a special thought or memory about Anthony, please leave a comment below, I'd love to read them!
