Diary of a Fat White Woman

The Day My Son Died........

The day my son died, my life changed…..forever.

     I believe that is what God intended, otherwise, he wouldn’t have blessed my life with this precious child at all. It’s not always easy to see a loss as a blessing, especially when it’s a child. In the case of Anthony, the blessing was seen....by myself and many others.

     The feelings involved in the loss of a child are just too complicated and deep to explain to the average person, suffice it to say, I firmly agree with the statement that children are not suppose to die before their parents.

 But sometimes, they do.

     I often speak about my son Anthony and the impact he made on my life, while I tend to refrain from providing detail about the day he died and how it happened. I guess that in some ways, I want to keep the detail of that day private as to ensure my children and family don’t experience any undue hurt over something they cannot change.

     On the other hand, silence allows me the opportunity to allow his memory to exist in a way that is more precious to others who hear about him, as well as for those who speak about him. Selfishly, the privacy has allowed me to be alone in my grief at some level, some things are just better left between a mother and her son.

     16 years ago today, my son Anthony died. He was 9 ½ years old and was classified as existing in a “vegetative state.” He had 14 noted diseases, he could never see, hear, walk or talk. With no hopes of recovery, the decision was made to approach the courts in an attempt to allow Anthony the right to die by removing the medical means of support form his body. This included a feeding tube.

     2 ½ years of unsuccessful results from the court system were trumped by God’s decision to bring Anthony home to Him at a time that He had already planned. Another time when God proved He is in total control……

     The 3 day process to death for Anthony was undignified and painful to watch, there was peace in knowing that he was unaware of what his body would have to go through to reach its end point.

     Just as I held my son when he entered into this world, my arms would surround him when he left. He died peacefully, a single tear releasing from his eye as he took his last breathe, as if to let me know, “I’ll be alright now Mom.”

     Just like that, Anthony was gone, and my life changed forever.  Anthony is promised a place in heaven and things brings me great comfort, knowing one day he and I will be reunited. I often wonder what that day will be like, will God allow us to look at each other for the very first time, talk to each other for the very first time, and hug each other for the very first time? Will he allow me the opportunity to tell my son that I love him, and allow my words to be heard for the very first time?

     God is a God of grace, no matter what our reunion looks like, more important is the belief that we will see each other once again and journey through eternity together. This is my ultimate comfort.

     It’s ok to miss those who have gone on before us; it’s ok to remember the special times we shared together. Over the years, my grief has turned to remembering the time I had with Anthony. The experiences we journeyed through were difficult and often painful, but they are now my memories and I cherish each and every one of them.

    For those who are reading this, remember that today may be the only opportunity you have to hug your children and remind them of how precious and wonderful they are to you. You may have a mountain separating you from your child or another loved one. Today may be the day you decide to walk around that mountain and make amends. Life is precious, but we live in a world that God controls, don't put off till tomorrow what you know should be resolved today.

    In loving memory of my son Anthony (“Ampy”) for being a blessing in my life, and one of the main reasons my life was changed forever. You will always be remembered. One day, we will meet again....

 Mom

 If you'd like to share a special thought or memory about Anthony, please leave a comment below, I'd love to read them!

 

 

 

 

 

"I Consider it Amazing...."

If I were asked what my favorite Christian song is, there would be no time needed to ponder all the titles in search of the right answer. My favorite song is “Amazing Grace,” as it reminds me of how merciful and amazing God’s love is towards me. The meaning of God’s amazing grace became evident at the bedside of my son Anthony in 1995.

Anthony was born with the message from doctors that death would soon follow. He was crippled and afflicted, relying on medical technology to keep him alive. Three brain diseases, heart problems, cerebral palsy, and a quadriplegic made him a child with no hope. He was blind, deaf, and had no chance of ever walking or talking. His days were spent in a shell called a body, fighting to breathe through a trachea tube, eating through a tube in his stomach, and tackling each infection as it attacked him. He lived in a persistent vegetative state with no hope of becoming “normal”.

Through the life of this precious child, the course of my life would change forever. It was through his life that I realized the meaning of God’s amazing love and grace. Anthony did not need to speak to me, he did not need to hug me and call me “mom”. He did not need to buy me gifts for Mother’s day or smile at me as a child smiles at his mother because he loves her. Anthony gave me more through his silence than I could have ever felt possible. His life, as my son, spoke to me of an eternal life and love that was his, given freely by our father Christ Jesus. He was an inspiration for life, each day to be lived just as God intended it to be.

As I sat on the bed beside Anthony, I knew God was present and was embracing us. How blessed I was to be able to give birth to this beautiful child, to hold him in my arms and watch him take his first breath. Now here I was again, nine and a half short years later, able to once again hold him in my arms, as he took his very last breath in life. God was ever present, as I held him, telling him that it was ok to go, God was waiting for him with open arms. As he took his last breath, I sang softly to him the words from the song that became real to me on that day:

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow, the sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below, will be forever mine!

God blessed my life with Anthony, if only for a season, and I thank God every day for this. Through him, I learned not to question God as to why he takes people we love away from us, rather, to give thanks to  Him for blessing us, if only for a season.

 When times get tough and hope seems lost, I think back to the days when Anthony was here and remember that even through the tough times and difficult situations, God is present, faithful, and merciful.  We all have the capacity to live our lives in a way that pleases God; it is up to us to believe in the talents that He has gifted us with and to make a difference here on earth! Not a single day should be wasted….we do not know how many we have left. Now is the time to set the world on fire for Christ!

Just as Anthony was blind, so too was I, but because of God’s mercy and forgiveness I can now see! One day I too will take a final breath and will walk into my heavenly Father’s arms. One day, God will be forever mine!

 

Surviving The Major Holidays After The Loss Of A Loved One

The Christmas season is upon us, becoming evident by all of the decorations and the shift in music on the radio. The holiday season should be one of happiness and joy, whether it's spent putting up the tree and telling stories about each ornament, or participating in the traditional family Christmas party. It shouldn’t be about grief and loneliness which comes as a result of losing a loved one. Unfortunately, for many people, these are the emotions that they will experience during the holiday season.

The first year following the death of a loved one can be extremely emotional and difficult for the loved ones left behind. The traditions that have been repeated year after year don't seem as wonderful as they did in years gone by. It may not be about Christmas day itself, rather, the little things that take place throughout the day that remind the survivor that the holidays will never be the same again.

    I sat down to talk with a friend who would be spending this Christmas holiday by herself for the first time in over 45 years. Her husband had passed away after his long battle with cancer had been lost. They were inseparable for all of those years, never spending a single holiday or major life event away from each other. She shared with me that her memories are what got her through each day, but going through Christmas for the first time was her biggest fear.

Their Christmas together wasn't about the size of the gifts or how many lights were used to decorate the trees. They shared a day with family, laughing, singing and being thankful for the gift of each other. Christmas breakfast was the one and only meal he made for her each year, and it was the same meal every year without change. He fried her two eggs, a piece of bacon, poured her a cup of coffee and buttered a slice of toast. He would bring her breakfast in bed, and while she ate, he would sing a Christmas song to her. This year, there would be no breakfast in bed, no Christmas song serenade, and no stolen kisses under the mistletoe.

I asked her to share with me how she thought she would be able to make it through this first Christmas day without her husband. She paused, and with a small smile on her face she told me, "I'll survive because now I can count backwards." I was lost with her response which she could easily tell by the look of confusion on my face. She went on to explain, "We spent 45 Christmas together. Now I'll count backwards for every Christmas I have without him. When I finish counting, I'll spend every Christmas as well as every other day with him for eternity." This was her way of surviving the one holiday that for most of us would be unbearable to survive.

Counting backwards won't be the answer for everyone but the message being sent with the story is about more than counting backwards. It's about finding a way to make it through the holiday and all the other holidays that will be eventually present. We're all wired differently and we grief differently as well. The holiday won't go away just because we don't want to go through it but future holidays will become a little easier to get through if we find the best way to make it through them today.

Theresa

Meaning Making: Adjusting To The Death Of A Loved One

There is no family or individual exempt from the experience brought on by the death of a loved one. Most would agree that of all the life experience we have, death is by far the most stressful, difficult experience to work through. The result of death is the loss of a loved one that cannot be replaced, which validates the hurt and pain that is associated with it each time it comes calling.
The process of grief does not have a pre-determined timeline, and it certainly does not come with any rules of engagement. While one family may find their world crashing down around them, another may recognize the process of life to death and be well prepared to work through the grieving process in a healthier, structured fashion.

     Consistent with the majority of death is the desire to make sense of it. Whether it is a sudden death, or one resulting from long term illness, the family will need to be able to make sense of the death and find out what the meaning of it is all about. A mother and father may decide to donate organs as a way to deal with the senseless death of their child, whereas another may decide it’s more important for their child to be buried without losing a single part of his physical self. Whatever the decision, the importance of being able to make the choice themsleves will contribute to the process of healing after the loss.

For many, meaning making is the process of putting death into perspective so as to have the ability to cope and deal with it. There has to be a way to come into control with the grief process, understanding how it fits into the rest of one’s life. Without meaning making, the grieving process may be slowed or confused, causing loved ones to question why they suffered the loss and how they can return to a world of normalcy.

Many cultures display grief differently by the way they mourn their loved one to the amount of time the commit to the mourning period. A traditional Jewish family may adhere to a strict mourning period while a traditional Baptist family recognizes that the time to grieve is short. Some hold fast to the activities surrounding a death, whereas others find anything beyond the act of cremation to be excessive and prolonged. Each culture, gender religion and family views the process of meaning making differently and requests that respect be paid to their process.

It has often been said that the holidays observed during the first year following the death are most important for meaning making as they are the first holidays without the loved ones presence. The first birthday that they can’t be given a suppose party, the first Christmas without their name on the gifts, they are all significant events that remind us of the loss we have suffered. How we decide to recognize their loss during these times is up to us, and may very well be seen by others as not grieving. In fact, the process of remembering through significant events can be a healthy contributor to our grieving process and should never be discouraged.

Meaning making is an individual decision and is healthy as it relates to our grief process. Our ability to make meaning of the loved one who is gone shows a deep respect and love for the memories they left behind. Take time to remember, which in the end, will contribute to your healing from loss.

Theresa